I had several deep thoughts recently - those about life, love, death, money, purpose, happiness, all those pieces that make up a lifetime. These thoughts are fleeting so it may seem very incoherent when I put those thoughts down in words but the gist of it is there.
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Of Life: I only have one life to live. Just one. Just one life to live to the fullest. Do I want to live a mediocre life or an amazing life. An amazing life need not be one which involves amazing feats like climbing Mt Everest or stepping onto the moon. An amazing life - to me at this very moment - is one where I am happy and contented every single day. I tell myself that I have to be grateful to be able to rise in the morning, for many lives are snuffed out that same morning.
Of Love: I have one life to live. The clock is ticking. I am not getting any younger. The problem with me is a whole heap of crazy. Low self esteem + shyness + fear of failure. I ask myself - how many more seasons do I have? When will I finally muster enough courage to take the plunge? How many more years can I stay silent? If it is my decision to stay single, then that is a whole different matter, but I do feel that - for now at least - I would like to begin a relationship.
Of Death: It is still scary to me. My parents aren't young anymore? They have many more good years to go but their time will come. Death comes to all, but centuries on and humans are not getting used to it, we are in fact fighting to prolong the inevitable. I wonder when it is my turn to die, will I be happy with the life that I have lead. Will my kids be proud of me? Will I have accomplished all I had set out to do? Will I have closure?
Of Money: In this one life, many strive to make as much money as they possibly can. Thousands, millions of dollars. This will no doubt bring material gratification but will it satisfy all the needs of a person? No. We spend such a big chunk of our lives working to feed ourselves, to clothe ourselves, to give our families, to bring joy, to buy things that make us happy. But in the end, money really is just money. You cannot bring it anywhere beyond this life. I gave the analogy of the taxi cab once. I would say, as reluctant as I may be to spend on expensive cab rides, I rather treat it as buying time. I am not so much paying money for a cab ride, but more so spending money to buy more time to do more important things - even if it is for a mere 30 mins. Those 30 mins will never return back to you. For me I think 30 mins of my life is worth $5 whenever I can afford it. And those 30mins that I save could very well be for me to go home and chill out. Relaxing at home can be very important to a person.
Of Purpose: I still do not know what purpose I have to speak of. All I know now is to be a good worker, get those monthly checks, get those yearly promotions, get those periodic fulfillments. I think of working hard now, climb the corporate ladder and perhaps one day when I retire, I will open up my dream cafe and be my own boss. Will I live to see that day? Does God have bigger plans for me? No one knows what tomorrow will bring. So not everyone has a tomorrow to go to, a tomorrow to procastinate to.
Of Happiness: I want to be happy. I do not want to be sad. This is all I thought about this subject.
Of Kids: I want kids. Despite how much costs are rising and all, I still feel I want to have kids. If I am fortunate enough to have my own, that would be good, if not I am very open to the idea of adoption as well. I am thinking 2 or 3 or maybe.. maybe even 4. It also depends if I can afford it. Seriously, there is such a thing as the economics of scales or in Singaporean lingo " NO MONEY NO TALK"
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All these thoughts are fragmented now. I hope that God will one day show me the big picture. One day, perhaps He will show me where all these pieces fit.
